Push Back

Do you ever get the feeling that your energy is fading away.  Perhaps you have a “black dog” in the room who rarely gives you good advice or encouragement  ~ might be a friend or a family member; might be your anxious mind.  When you allow the “black dog” to rule your thoughts, spiralling into uncertain darkness might be the outcome ~ but, with time and a little help from close family members, friends, a decent psychologist, and time;  perspectives can adjust.

Perspectives adjust slowly ~ allow yourself the freedom to dream.  If you have been overwhelmed by health issues or emotional upheaval, recovery is going to be slow in some cases.  If it takes a lifetime to set the anxiety button, you can be guaranteed you aren’t getting better over night.  The realization that eventually  ~~ it helps to enjoy your own company ~ was huge for me.  Oh sure, everybody talks about looking after yourself and being mindful but, why is it that some people do this naturally with very little apparent effort.  They seem to have a hard exterior or armour that repels most emotional trauma and often very little empathy for those around them.  But, they survive and are often completely oblivious.  Frankly, I am often a bit resentful of these folks but also a little jealous.  I wish I could be more like them.  I wish I didn’t spend so much time worrying about other people’s problems and concerns.

So, yesterday I went to the ski hill.  I haven’t been in four years.  Hard to believe really from a woman who as a young person, could not get enough out of winter.  I think with constant reminders on the radio about inclement weather and how awful it is, I finally got brain washed into believing it.  Not to mention the peer pressure to be somewhere other than home.  When I really took a long hard look at it,  I realized that I am not alone in loving winter and I am not alone when I talk about the uncertain darkness of life.  I believe there is a correlation.

When you allow yourself to be brainwashed and coerced by media and the kool-aid flavour of the month to feel a certain way ~ check yourself.  Push Back.  Yesterday on the chairlift I couldn’t believe how anxious and nervous I felt and my heart was thumping way too fast.  Could I do this?  I was in extremely good company but, it was difficult to quell my uncertain thoughts.  The first run down the hill felt very tentative.  I was really excited and the same old passion of my youth surged through me like a raging river.  But, I was really wary.  Without realizing it,  I pushed back so hard and refused to be alienated from something I love.   I mean hard.  I pushed back so hard it was amazing.   I listened to my inner child and she was smart.  So now I am looking forward to more winter opportunities and a complete contentment with my place and time.  When I decided to listen to myself instead of other people I came out happy.

You can do it.  I think it is actually very difficult because it has taken me a long time to come to the realization that I have fun with myself ~ I am a bit of a hoot.  I laugh at myself and others often laugh with me (maybe even at me) but, it doesn’t matter.  One of the funniest things that happened yesterday was when I bought my lift ticket and told the clerk – “one ordinary adult ticket please”.  She laughed and so did I and we began discussing what is ordinary?  It was hilarious.  I told her I was worried she was going to ask me if I was a senior and she said, “Are you kidding.  No way.”  (that made me feel good for some stupid reason.)  Later, she met me in the ski shop and said, “Hey how’s your ski day Ordinary Adult ” and we laughed hard.

I am going to push back more often.  It won’t be always,  because some days are just too much.  Some days I do feel sad.   I think it goes with the territory of an inquiring and curious mind – a critical thinker.  Not everybody is a critical thinker.  There are lots of degrees of understanding, empathy, curiosity, intelligence…….. and you have to decide which kool-aid will you drink today.