Nothing in my life has been as hard as navigating 68 years with this lot. No one story will ever convey the entirely unnavigable waters of 4 kids born in the 60’s to British parents, who just crossed the Atlantic with sixty 78’s in a tin chest. However, no doubt there are thousands of people in Canada, who share this history with us. The purpose of this piece is to remind all of us that life throws us curve balls and it is only us who choose to chase the ball. My recollections include dropping the ball, throwing it away and catching it – but, throughout all of it, my unwavering love for these three rascals has never changed. There have been years of closeness that included all of them at my bedside when I delivered my first child, all of them dropping me off at University, tears of joy as they arrived to give us a decent Christmas during a very challenging time in my life; and many other memories where we were there for each other.
But, dear reader, please believe me when I say – none of this takes place without a hell of a lot of work. Every family, I don’t care who you are, who you think you are, how important your namesake is, how much money you have; matters a rat’s ass in the long run. The long run will test you, it will offer only a rocky road as sentiments change, memories collide and 20 other people (or more), become part of your family. Don’t tell me you have the perfect family, because my family has been a shit show for most of my life but, I believe we are the perfect family.
When our charismatic crazy Dad came into a room, he set the place alight with joy, laughter, silliness and music no matter the day of the week. His imagination for life was contagious and our house was a turnstile of friends, family and the occasional musician. He didn’t play the piano because it got destroyed in the bombing of London when he was a child, but his mum did. We called her Nanny Topping. My sister and Nanny sometimes had a chance to belt out a tune during ear jam intermissions. Then quieted down as dinner approached and a dynamic version of “In the Hall of the mountain King” or “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies” encouraged us all to the table. However, if a Gene Krupa session was spontaneously occurring, the 1937 fabulous “Sing, Sing, Sing”, would literally turn our living room into a crazy dance floor with all four of us going nuts to the music. We danced so much on that living room floor that my Dad had to anchor the turntable to the wall studs. I’m not kidding – these parties were epic and became even more exciting during the summer. I hate braggarts and bravado so suffice it to say we had a very humble back yard pool that turned into some kind of crazy elixir around midnight. My mum dove off the board fully clothed following my brother’s huge leap, followed by a cast of characters between the ages of 8 and 68 – everyone gleefully laughing and splashing and dancing on the deck. Dad had a certain way about him that I have not seen since – he had an imagination that was almost unhinged at times and he died too young. I have always felt that his early life experiences were a precursor to his eventual illness as were my mum’s early experiences a foundation that she would always carry like a knapsack.
When our Dad died in 2003, things had already been under great stress and change. Illness had carved its way into our lives, divorce had reared its ugly head, debilitating anxiety and depression were on the horizon, the four of us were now 15 people with 7 kids in total and all the challenges that come with raising children. No doubt dear reader, you likely experienced some of this……the four different approaches to life. Four very different spouses, four very different life experiences, not to mention all the different ways that we parent our children. Me, more of 1950’s model – pretty cut and dried, more creative than my own mum but a disciplinarian all the same. Our daughters born ten years ahead of the first nephew; receiving one huge amount of attention that you know how kids are – they have nothing to compare it with. Aunt Janet and Uncle John dates where they drank so much coke they felt sick, rode around on a tube for way longer than Norm and I would have had the patience for, not to mention all the gifts received at Christmas. Then the different parenting styles where I was getting frustrated because the party wasn’t getting started and my kids went to bed! Their kids never went to bed and sometimes they didn’t listen to Grandma quite like my kids had 15 years earlier – anyone get this picture? Then covid hits and we have a myriad of responses as to how that’s gonna look and frankly there was a lot of quiet and not so quiet disagreement. Isn’t that relatable to almost every family on the planet? What’s with all the perfect social media posts?
Our lives require some really deep conversation in order to stay afloat and yet most of us barely have enough time to keep our marriages on side let alone the 20 plus needs of a large family. But, we do it. Somehow, some way the large families I have had the joy to experience, are navigating all of the same challenges! My one friend when I told him what a wonderful extended family he had said jokingly “I can’t stand any of them.”. He comes from a family of six, lost his Dad way too soon and has a brother on the cusp of dementia.
Our Mum just went to Hospice on Wednesday- my siblings are certain this is it. Sometimes we hope for a miracle, a blood transfusion, a gift from above; but mostly we accept this fate. Thank goodness our sister in law reminded my sister (in a ten minute car ride); that our biggest strength will be the four of us. This insight was passed down the chain of command – KJML (Kathryn, Janet, Mark and Louise.). I am the oldest and the chain of command is now JMLK because Janet has become the rock. When I arrived to take mum to Hospice we did the kjml circle of love, which lately includes some snot coming out of my nose and loud crying. Gone are the epic dance with abandon parties, replaced by a more stoic approach to life and a much deeper understanding of each other. Thank goodness for JML.
Kathryn Kastner 