The “Dark, Cold, Winter” description and the constant weather coverage of gloom and doom has made me want to write.
These attitudes have grown tiresome over the decade as I choose to embrace the beauty of the season and lock into the natural quiet of the snow covered landscape. After a decade of digging deeper into my middle aged soul, I have found that the quiet of the season has offered an opportunity to find my “Super Power”, if you will. Every year there is a lot of pressure from media and peers to leave winter in your dust; and it just doesn’t work for me. Like everyone, of course, I have found winter a considerable challenge but, it wasn’t always this way. As a child, I preferred winter because I loved the dark nights at the park and the freedom to fly down the hill. This grew into a passion for skiing and a huge love of wind. Cold furious wind.
I haven’t skied this winter but, I have had that old friend CFW (cold furious wind) speak to me many times this year. She said to me, “if you close your eyes you can pretend you are on the chairlift with Nandi at the top of Tremblant when that wind went deep into your soul.” It worked. With 67 years of memories it’s pretty easy for me to go to my “Super Power; called imagination. And it’s cheap!
I suffered from Depression in mid-life which was a huge surprise to happy me. I actually could not believe it and remember saying to my wonderful psychologist on our first visit, “Oh great! Now I am in a Psychologist office and I shouldn’t be here!” Before bursting into real tears. The condition was exhausting and completely debilitating and went on and off for several years. the Black Dog of depression is still in the room with me to this day but, I have a very grounded, aggressive stance with this malady and simply won’t allow it to take over my life. I don’t dare call it mindfulness because that simplifies the process too much for me. Tapping into my inner child is one of the things I think i did. I thought about the moments in my life that gave me great joy and skiing was one of them – then I realized it wasn’t about skiing it was more about independence, imagination and quiet. I need my quiet walks and I need to go for a long distance as possible without hurting my feet. Yes, I also had very sore feet for way too long in my 40’s.
A friend of mine, Matt Shaughnessy passed away at the age of 60 after his battle with diabetes and he had a pretty big influence on me. We talked about depression. His attitude to life, though not always recognized by me in the early years, became a source of intrigue in my late 40’s – we talked about personality and how we all have several different personalities depending upon the situation. this struck a chord with me. We do have a choice. We can affect change in our own minds. But, it will take considerable work .
On the eve of Christmas, I brace myself for the Christmas Season; and have done for sometime now. Earliest evolvement of this exercise began in the 90’s when I got up early and walked Ben down the river in Lakefield. Those early mornings became a spiritual experience for me, as I watched the changing tide and power of the Otonabee River surging through the main route of our town. Every day at six, Ben and I breathed in the air of all seasons and observed the fresh water as it channelled its way over the dam. I had always loved Lakefield and now I lived here. those early mornings have stayed with me all my life and combine with my early walks with Tramp (1972-75); as we roamed through Cedarbrae Park. I noted that the renewed discipline I had with Ben, far outmatched the lack of schedule with my younger self. And the proof was in the pudding, because Tramp remained badly behaved for most of his life and Ben became a powerhouse of dependability and strength. Ben and I walked twice every single day and returned to the Christmas ritual calm and refreshed! Christmas Eve was so exciting and that walk calmed me right down.
Fast forward to 2026, and I am recognizing that the mental and spiritual growth is only possible for me when I am allowed to have a disciplined routine outside the distraction of summer. This has been a hard fight, likely inspired by the fact that I no longer like the heat, hate the drought and don’t look that great in a bathing suit anymore! Yes, I loved summer when I could dive into the water and swim like a fish, and it was also summer break which made a big difference to my psyche. Now, I can enjoy the year however I like and I love the seasons in Canada!
I am slowly changing the winter, into a time of discipline and intentional growth; at a time of the year when I used to feel a really good sense of motivation. I retreat from social commitments and work on behind the scenes education with music, writing and reading. The more I write about it the better the possibility that we can all embrace the opportunity that winter can hold, if you see it.
the cold definitely helps me focus. More on this later.
Kathryn Kastner 